soul-searching

Soul-searching: deep and careful thought about your feelings, especially related to a moral problem or decision – Cambridge Dictionary

Oh wow, did you know this word was hyphenated? I had NO IDEA! Thanks for the help, Google! Anyway… I have been on a “getting-to-know-myself” journey for many years. When I first embarked on this journey, I had no idea I was doing it. I only knew I felt miserable and empty, and I needed to fill that void. There were different things I tried to achieve that sense of “completeness,” but they all failed miserably. Looking back now, I am thankful I had my stints with cigarettes, booze, and romantic relationships from hell. It was then that I realized that, whatever I was looking for, couldn’t be found on the outside: I needed to take a look within.

If you make the same mistake more than once, it’s not a mistake, but a choice. I had to find out why I choose to live my life a certain way that made me terribly unhappy. In comes the soul-searching.

Like I said before, I tried to fill that “void” in many ways. I was in the clubs every week, smoking cigarettes and getting acquainted with Mary Jane, especially after a hard day. Then there was the relationship-hopping. One asshole worse than the next. I thought, “What in the asshole-magnet is going on? Why do I keep attracting a certain type of man?” There were many aspects of my life that needed some further investigating, and I knew I had to start somewhere.

I haven’t blogged for a few weeks. Not that I was doing some soul-searching all that time, no. But I was rather busy.

Midterms started on the thirteenth. Happy to say I passed all of them. Because I’ve been very very busy since I came back to China, I had no time to study. But guess what? I still scored very well.  I’m intelligent, what can I say? Totally feeling myself, by the way. My grammar exam was very interesting. We had to write an essay titled, “The Person I Know Very Well.” It really got my mind working overtime.

I love learning new things each day, especially about human nature. We definitely are fascinating! Capable of so much good AND so many horrific things. The most interesting question for me is the WHY behind our actions. What makes us do or not do the things we should do?

When I came to China, I took a lot of time to get to know the real me. Who am I? It’s still one of the most important questions I ask myself on a daily basis.

I’m constantly learning new things, not only about myself but about the people around me, as well. Sometimes we get so familiar with things, relationships, that we fail to see when they have run their course. Not because someone or something has been a part of your life for a decade or two, means they belong in the next phase of our lives. Maybe we don’t fit in the next part of their journey, either. Life is temporary, so forming attachments is dangerous. The most important thing I learned, is knowing when a relationship no longer serves its purpose.

Another thing I’ve learned, or better yet, what people have taught me… is that we never really know a person. The only person we can really fully know is ourselves. Life is funny that way.