Thinking About Some Stuff

I am always thinking about stuff and reevaluating experiences because I strongly believe that everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. Every single person that crosses our path is sent to teach us a lesson. No lesson is “small” or what-have-you. If those lessons were unnecessary, we would not be going through them. Personally, I prefer to learn through gaining knowledge. You know, the ‘old-fashioned’ way: you open a book about a certain subject, read it & learn something new. But we do not always get our way. Sometimes we need to go through some shit to learn a lesson. Believe me, it is hard, but it is all worth it.

Like I mentioned before, I am always thinking. Which lesson is behind the experience? What am I supposed to learn?

I have been working on forgiveness; I spoke about this two weeks ago. People say ‘time heals all wounds,’ but I do not agree. What I have learned is this: if we do not take the time to work on healing from past hurts, time will only amplify our bitterness or sadness (or whatever we are feeling). What have I been feeling the past couple of months? That is not an easy question to answer.

It started with complete surprise (more of a “WTF-this-is-amazing” surprise? Is this too good to be true?), then happiness, then hopeful, confident, open, vulnerable (but comfortable with it), then vulnerable again (but very uncomfortable with it, because I was in the dark without a flashlight), confusion, disconnection, disappointment (severe gut-wrenching pain), rejection (and unsuccessfully trying for reconnection), and then FATIGUE!

Always thinking about stuff – Image Source

One thing I know for sure: what people say is NOT always necessarily true.

I went through many more emotions over the past months, but I chose to write these. At some point I thought about writing ‘fear,’ as well… but I am not scared anymore. One thing that scared the bejesus out of me was death. After my recent health scare, I know I do not fear it anymore. Not at all. And if you do not fear death, you do not fear life.

Another thing these past experiences have made me realize is that I had closed myself off to love. Now I am SOOO open to love, any kind of love. Some people only associate the word ‘love’ with romantic love, but there are many forms of it. I am open to all right now and BOY! The Universe has not disappointed me.

No matter what has happened in the past, I really harbor no ill will against anyone.

I am not a negative person (but I used to be), and I did NOT like that version of myself, so I became someone different. The past couple of years, I have been working on myself, ‘cleaning house,’ so to speak. Getting rid of toxic emotions and people that I gave power over me & allowed to control my life. I was being lived, I did not live.

When I cut someone (or something) out of my life, it is done after much deliberation. I am not crazy (just a little, but the right kind of crazy).

I have been cutting out all negativity, that includes things and people that do not bring any positive growth to my life.

Cutting someone from my life does not mean that I ‘hate’ them. Such a childish term, but whatever. I do not. Once there was love, so there will always be love (just not as deep and intense as before). But… one thing you have to understand: I might care for or love someone, but I will always love myself more.

No matter how hard or how long it takes, I will always choose what I think is best for ME! “Selfish” is not a word I would associate with myself, because I am a very loving and nurturing person. But if I feel like I am giving more than I am receiving… well… I will protect myself.

thinking and thinking – Image Source

Does that mean I will bite that person his or her head off if they decide to contact me again? Not at all. But I prefer they would not. There is a reason I cut them off. 

In no shape or form do I dislike this person, they have their pleasant qualities. What I dislike is their treatment of me, but I also have to acknowledge the part I played in it. Someone cannot treat you like shit without your consent.

But what you have to realize is that people fight their own demons, and in no way do you have to make that your problem. If someone is still trying to find out who they are, it is best to just let them do that on that own… unless they explicitly ask for your help.

We cannot change people or make them realize that carrying their baggage into a relationship is the start of a very toxic connection. Do not force your help or advice, they will not appreciate it. Wait until they ask for your help. And even if they do ask for help, set clear boundaries.

But, if they do not ask for your help, just remove yourself from the equation. It will be so stressful for you, and in my experience, you will end up being this person his/her punching bag. If you have been reading my posts for a while, you know that I have been down that road before; I know where it leads, and that is not on my itinerary anymore.

Do I believe that we all start things with good intentions? I do. But somewhere along the way we sometimes fuck it up. Shit happens, that is part of life. But how do we handle it? I cut out ALL NEGATIVITY and energy-draining people and things from my life.

No, I am not complaining at all, because I had to go through those experiences to grow, but I have been through a lot. We all have. At some point, I put my foot down, and changed the way I looked at things, took control of my life, and I tried something different. I WILL NOT allow no one or anything to disrupt the tranquility and balance I have created for myself. My life should be as drama-free as possible.

Bet you are thinking, “Yeah, good luck with that. Who does not have drama?”

I have my own fair share of drama, of course. But the difference is: I DO NOT WANT YOUR DRAMA! I have officially unsubscribed from people with too many issues. Deuces.

If we are not in a committed relationship (or not even working on one), I do not want other people’s drama. Again, if we are not in a long-term relationship, not family or close friends, keep your drama where it should be: with your teddy bears and your family & close friends. And even if we are family or close friends, there are boundaries to what type of drama I will tolerate and for how long.

If you need someone to vent to, sure, I will listen. But if every single time we talk you bitch and moan about the same thing over and over and over… I will pull the fucking plug. That is what psychologists are for. Holler back at me when you want to sit down and brainstorm how we can remedy the situation.

Drama drains my energy and messes up my flow. It really messes with my productivity. I cannot and will not allow that. The funny thing is, some people think they can control me, some ‘I am the boss,’ attitude. Guess what? You are only the boss if I allow it. If I allow that it means I trust you and know you have my best interest at heart. But do not get too comfortable, because I am my own boss.

I can give someone control, just to see what they will do with it. But if you show me who you are, I will show you who I am.

Who am I? I am a woman who knows what she wants in most aspects of my life, especially when it comes to romance & dating. If you are serving me coffee (which I do not drink, I am a tea drinker), well… then I will happily refuse your cup of bullshit.

One more thing: actions speak louder than words. I believe what someone shows me, not what they tell me. So keep the bullshit in check.

OH! One last thing! I did not answer that question.

Like I said earlier in this post… In the past, I thought it was better to always talk things out with people. What do I think now? Now, I just think if I cut someone out of my life I have a valid reason for it. We just need to let some things, and some people go.

Try to make peace with it. And if this is difficult, try reaching out to see if the other person is open to hearing you out. But also prepare yourself for rejection, because that is a possibility. Me, though? *shrugs*

It does not mean that I dislike the person and will ignore them when I see them again. No, we can be cordial, even have a drink (dinner would be too long). But that person will never get into my trusted circle of friends again. I do not owe anyone anything.

I owe it to myself to keep my life positive and drama-free. Deuces! <3

xoxo

Tiara Ray

I am grateful & blessed to have the life I live. (Soon to be) Traditionally published & self-published author in her mid-thirties. I unsuccessfully tried changing this picture numerous times, so I just left it. I wish you lots of love & may you get what you need. <3

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