thinking

I am always thinking about stuff and reevaluating experiences because I strongly believe that everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. Every single person that crosses our path is sent to teach us a lesson. No lesson is “small” or what-have-you. If those lessons were not necessary, we would not be going through them. Personally, I prefer to learn through gaining knowledge. You know, the ‘old-fashioned’ way: you open a book about a certain subject, read it & learn something new. But we do not always get our way. Sometimes we need to go through some shit to learn a lesson. Believe me, it is hard, but it is all worth it in the end.

Like I mentioned before, I am always thinking. Which lesson is behind the experience? What am I supposed to learn?

I have been working on forgiveness, I spoke about this a couple of weeks ago. People say ‘time heals all wounds,’ but I do not necessarily agree. What I have learned is this: if we do not take the time to work on healing from past hurts, time will only amplify our bitterness or sadness (or whatever we are feeling). What have I been feeling the past couple of months? That is not an easy question to answer.

It started with complete surprise (more of a “WTF-this-is-amazing” surprise?), then happiness, then hopeful, confident, open, vulnerable (but comfortable with it), then vulnerable again (but very uncomfortable with it), confusion, disconnection, disappointment (severe gutwrenching pain), rejection (and unsuccessfully trying for reconnection), and then FATIGUE!

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Always thinking about stuff – Image Source

One thing I know for sure: what people say is NOT always necessarily true.

I went through many more emotions over the past months, but I chose to write these. At some point I thought about writing ‘fear,’ as well… but I am not scared anymore. One thing that scared the bejesus out me was death. After my recent health scare, I know I do not fear it anymore. Not at all. And if you do not fear death, you do not fear life. Another thing these past experiences have made me realize is that I had closed myself off to love. Now I am SOOO open to love, any kind of love. Some people only associate the word ‘love’ with romantic love, but there are many forms of it. I am open to all right now and BOY! The Universe has not disappointed me.

No matter what has happened in the past, I really harbor no ill will against anyone.

I am not a negative person (but I used to be). Did NOT like that version of myself, so I chose to become someone different. The past couple of years, I have been working on myself, ‘cleaning house,’ so to speak. Getting rid of toxic emotions and people that I gave power over me & allowed to control my life. I was being lived, I did not live.

When I cut someone (or something) out of my life, it is done after much deliberation. I am not crazy (just a little, but the right kind of crazy).

I have been cutting out all negativity, that includes things and people that do not bring any positive growth to my life.

Cutting someone from my life does not mean that I ‘hate’ them. Such a childish term, but whatever. I do not. Once there was love, so there will always be love (just not as deep and intense as before). But… one thing you have to understand: I might care for or love someone, but I will always love myself more. In the end, no matter how hard or how long it takes, I will always choose what I think is best for ME! Selfish is not a word I would associate with myself, because I am a very loving and nurturing person. But if I feel like I am giving more than I am receiving… well… I am going to go into a selfish mode and protect myself.

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Does that mean I will bite that person his or her head off if they decide to contact me again?

I believe that we all start things with good intentions, but somewhere along the way we sometimes tend to fuck it up. Shit happens, that is part of life. But how do we handle it? I tend to cut out ALL NEGATIVITY and energy-draining people and things from my life. Not complaining at all, because I had to go through those experiences to grow, but I have been through a lot. We all have. At some point, I put my foot down and changed the way I looked at things, took control of my life and changed. I WILL NOT allow anyone or anything to disrupt the tranquility and balance I have created for myself. My life should be as drama free as possible.

Bet you are thinking, “Yeah, good luck with that. Who does not have drama?”

I have my own fair share of drama, of course. But the difference is: I DO NOT WANT YOUR DRAMA! I have officially unsubscribed from people with too many issues. Deuces. If we are not in a committed relationship (or not even working on one), I do not want other people’s drama. Again, if we are not in a longterm relationship, not family or close friends, keep your drama where it should be: with your teddy bears and your family & close friends. Drama drains my energy and messes up my flow. It really messes with my productivity. I cannot and will not allow that. The funny thing is, some people think they can control me, some ‘I am the boss,’ attitude. Guess what? You are only the boss if I allow it. If I allow that it means I trust you and know you have my best interest at heart. But do not get too comfortable, because I am my own boss.

I can give someone control, just to see what they will do with it. But if you show me who you are, I will show you who I am.

Who am I? I am a woman who knows what she wants. If you are serving me coffee (which I do not drink, I am a tea drinker), well… then I will happily refuse your cup of bullshit.

One more thing: actions speak louder than words. I believe what someone shows me, not what they tell me. So keep the bullshit in check.

OH! One last thing! I did not answer that question.

I will give people the chance to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me or offer closure. Lord knows I needed it in the past and it was not offered to me. Have found ways to deal with that and it no longer troubles me. But if see someone wants to make amends, I will not kick them while they are down. But I will do so when I know I can be objective.