I am single, and I am celibate. It has been this way for three years.
I do not count a mistake I almost made, because that almost mistake was so bad, I am glad the mistake did not happen. After thirty-five years on this planet, I have now reached a point where I am happy with my life. Not being in a romantic relationship, also not having sex for over three years, has its benefits. Yes, I am human, and I get horny. But not horny enough to actually want to be intimate with someone.
Do not misunderstand: making love is amazing, especially when it is genuine intimacy with someone you love and have a connection with. I was never into one-night-stands, but I am not hating on you if you are or were. To judge you or what you do, that is not my place and I really do not care about that.
But I will remain single and celibate for a few more years.
You might wonder if I do not want a loving romantic relationship, children, a house with the white picket fence, what-have-you. The answer to that question is ‘Yes, I do… just not right now.’
Love is wonderful, yes, but I am not focused on romantic love. I have been dating on and off for the last thirteen to fourteen years, and it was not so successful. When you go through years of mostly experiencing what you do not want, you get a better idea of what you DO want. And relationships (or courtship) filled with drama is not my cup of tea.
I do not plan to go down that road again. Hindsight is 20/20. When you have made the same mistake repeatedly, doing it again is just madness… and complete stupidity.
Turning thirty-five changed a lot for me. Since 2019, I went back & forth over certain things in my life and I am tired.
What am I tired of? Well, Keep on reading. I am tired of:
One, relationships (both friendships & romantic ones) that bring drama and suffering into my life. My life (now) is drama free & 99.9% of it comes into my life through outsiders. The ideal is to find a middle ground: I should be able to live with drama, and without drama. But I just do not want any drama. If it is there, I can handle it very well, but up to a certain degree. After a while, it just gets too exhausting.
No one knows how much time we have on this planet, and I want to make mine memorable (for me). Having a romantic relationship, children, what-have-you really is not the direction I am heading.
Two, I am also tired of feeling incomplete. In the past, I thought a romantic relationship would make me happy, but they brought more confusion and suffering into my life. Self-love was something I had to learn. Now that I have, something still is missing. And it is not a man; I have enough men who have asked me to have serious relationships, but … it is not what I want.
My spiritual & religious growth is very important to me. They always lingered in the back, but now I know they are what I need to feel complete.
No, I will not get all holier-than-thou for that is not in my nature. But I started on this path again. To be honest, I have been on this path (on and off) for over ten years now. In China, I went to a Christian (but not Catholic) church, but I now know I am not the church-going-type. That is not for me, and I will not force myself to do so. The ’emptiness’ I feel now comes from a place of connecting to something far greater than me.
Three, another thing on the list that I am tired of, is desperate men approaching me. I do not mean it in a bad way. What I mean by this, is men who, for some reason or another, think they are too old and need to settle down. They are unhappy and feel something is missing and think a relationship or marriage is the perfect band-aid for that.
Men who approach me with stuff like, “You are the last woman I am trying with. If it does not work with you, I give up!” We have all heard that before. What do I think? I think it is better to stay single and celibate than to fall for this thirst trap.
Or this one: “I have been observing you for a while, and you look like the type of woman who would make an exceptional wife.” Duh, I already know that. It sounds like these men are just going through a list of women and hoping one works out. But not that they are really interested in me as a person. More with the IDEA they have about me.
Marriage is serious and nothing to hurry into. For me, it is more than just the physical aspect of it all. It is about connecting with and getting to know the deeper side of another person’s nature.
No secrets, there has to be no pretending, absolutely no yelling at each other, we should be able to be ourselves, blindly trust each other, and have an unbreakable friendship. If I would not be friends with you in my everyday life, I definitely will not date you, let alone marry you. I have been down that road before and it leads to a place I will not visit anymore.
The person I choose to be with has to be my peace. When the world is driving me crazy, I should know I can come to you for the peace, understanding, tranquility & love that I need. And vice versa. Because if I know I cannot be that for someone, I will not expect that, either. If you ask for something, you also have to give that in return.
And yes, I want a relationship without the yelling and name-calling. I have been yelled at and I have yelled at people. That is not something I want to do again, and I have not yelled for a while (except in March, when I allowed myself to get angry, but that was work-related).
Yelling, name-calling, making your partner (or anyone) feel small because of your own insecurities is not for me. It also is not the type of man I will date again. If I go so far to yell at you, know that the relationship will be over soon. Because that means I do not respect you anymore and I do not care what happens to us. But I will never get to that point again.
Four, I do not miss sex or making love. I am not in love, so… But I do not miss it at all. More often than not, sex complicates things. Yes, it is an important part of the relationship, but not THE most critical part. There is nothing wrong with being single and celibate.
When you have sex with someone, you are exchanging energies. Keeping one’s energy clean is sacred. I do not want everyone’s energy and their issues. No, thank you.
Does this sound like a romanticized version of life to you? To each its own. But I know one thing for sure: I will not settle for less than what I know I want & I know am worth.
So for now, I will work more on controlling my emotions. I still get angry at times. Less than before, but I do. And there are some other spiritual & religious matters that I need to tend to.
How about you? What are your priorities? Are you also single and celibate or dating around?