soul searching

Part two… Hello again! If you’re familiar with my blog, you will know that I’m always soul-searching. In part one I talked a little about meeting my beautiful little niece for the first time, which was amazing. Family is the most important thing, something I’ve realized since I’ve moved to China. Coming here has given me the opportunity to work on myself and my relationships, especially with family. In part two of this blog, I’m going to talk a little more about some personal stuff. Just a little personal, not too much.

Part Two is about the changes I’ve experienced during the year… the good, the bad, and the really ugly.

part two
Part two – Friendly random rants

I’ve been thinking about my next step for the past couple of months. What will I do after I complete my Bachelor in Business Chinese? During my time in Europe, I had various talks with my aunt, my cousins, and some friends. All of them think it a great idea for me to move there, but after much consideration… a move there is not financially feasible at the moment. I don’t want financial help from my parents and I also don’t want to live with relatives. One thing I like, is my privacy and walking around naked.

Being on my own for the past three years has been amazing! I don’t think I could conform to living with people again and having little to no privacy.

So what’s my next step? I’ll let you know when the time is right. I can say, without a doubt, that it’s not Europe :). Is it China or some other Asian country? We’ll see. I’ll let you know, okay?

Then there are some friendships I walked away from. It wasn’t easy, and I’m not someone who just drops friends. But I always evaluate my friendships from time to time. Sometimes it’s not what people say, but what they do. I’m not saying that the friendships that I walked away from were because they are bad friends or bad people, they’re not. They could be a great friend to someone else, which they are, becase many people like them. But, just because many people like them doesn’t mean that they possess qualities I’m looking for in a friend. Respect and honesty are number one on my list.

This brings me to another thing I had to deal with … forgiveness.

For my family and relatives, I have an unlimited supply of forgiveness (okay, there is this one thing I still need to work on with one estranged cousin, but I’m not ready for that). What I cannot stand is when you’re not being honest with me about who you are. Then I trust you a far as I can throw you. My family… I don’t always understand them, sometimes I want to tell Elon Musk (is it me, or does his name sound like a deodorant?) he can take them to whatever planet he wants to go next, or whatever. But I love them.

Family is forever. They’re allowed an unlimited amount of f*ck ups. Friends? Depending on the situation, sometimes, you’re allowed just ONE!

I have realized that the older I get, the smaller my circle of friends. Now I know that some people don’t need to be a part of my next step, and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean I hate them, also doesn’t mean I don’t value the friendship we shared. What it means is that their chapter in my book is done. Peace be with you. One day I want to reach a point in my life where I say, “Hey, shit happens. You did some shit, I did some shit. Let’s just flush the shit.” But for now, I am working on forgiving people and trying to resume the friendship we had, same as before. But… I’m not there yet. So for now… Peace be with you (again). *in my Chris Brown voice* Deuces!

And now, my relationship with God…

In no way am I a saint, nor do I plan to become one of those holier-than-thou people who say, “Thank You, Lord,” “Praise Jesus,” and “Amen” at the end of every sentence. I’m just very interested in religion and spirituality, and I will continue to study both of them. Before I condemn something, I’d like to know about it. I’m not the type of person who will follow the masses. If someone says it’s A, I need to see for myself that it’s A. Only then will I say, “Yeah, it’s A.” Some people classify this as stubborn… I just see it as wanting to experience (some) things for myself before I form an opinion. The same goes when it comes to religion and spirituality. I even studied with Jehova’s Witnesses for a while, just because people kept calling them a sect.

Do I think the Jehova’s Witnesses are like a sect? “Sect” (I think) has a negative connotation to it, so I won’t say that. There are many people who are very happy being a Jehova’s Witness, and it has brought so much happiness and fulfillment to their lives. If it makes so many people happy (and if they’re not hurting anyone), who am I to say it’s bad? I’ve realized they live by some rules that aren’t in the Bible, but if that’s what they think they need to do to stay on Jehova’s path, who am I to judge?

What about my relationship with the Almighty God? We’ve had an interesting one for quite a few decades.

I go in and out of maintaining a relationship with Him. Born a Catholic, I went to Catholic school as a child, they were very strict (as all Catholic schools). We had mass every single Wednesday morning. I only went because the teachers wouldn’t mind if we went to class late. In no way was I (nor am I now or do I want to be) the poster child for a good Catholic girl.

I’ve resumed Bible study with a few foreign friends, and I have to admit that I m enjoying it.

I’m calmer, no idea if it’s due to my reading the Bible… or due to maturity. I’ll just leave that in the middle. Time will tell what is what. Reading the book that has been read I don’t konow how many times before, is very interesting. I don’t take it lieterally and I question most of the things I read in there. It has been translated many times from many languages. The translator alwasy adds a little bit of their own perception, expecially if it is “free translation.” AND… we were reading Genesis chapter one, and one of my friends said the way it’s written in his bible (in Russian) differs a bit from our bibles .

Even more interested now since I’ve found out that the Catholic bible has a few more chapters than other Christian bibles. No wonder some Christians I’ve met think Catholicism is scandalous!

I’m still me, I’ll never change. Will always be this fun-loving person… maybe a bit more understanding, tolerant, and forgiving. This woman is still under construction, I’m a work in progress. One thing I’ve learned about myself is this: I don’t see others as my competition, nor do I want others to me that way. We are all unique and all possess something needed for whatever purpose we are here to fulfill. My only competition is Yours Truly, Me, Myself, and I. Every singe day I wke up, if I learn something new, can be something small, like, perfecting my Chinese characters and pronunication… As long as I’m learning and improving myself, it’s all that I need. To be a better version of myself, that’s all that the competition I need.

I say NO to negativity and bullshit.

So, that was me being all philosophical. I think it’s enough for now, LOL! Will I write a post about New Year’s Resolutions that I will not keep? We’ll see, haha. šŸ™‚