negative feelings

When 2019 started, I didn’t make any resolutions I knew I wouldn’t keep… or never even make a start with. My only resolution was to become a better version of myself, my version of a better me. It took me a while to realize what I want and which direction I want my life to go, and that’s what I’m working on at the moment. One of the things I am extremely proud of is that I have better control of my emotions… for the most part.

negative feelings
Negative feelings – I used to be like this little frustrated puppet

Not that many years ago, I was a lot like this frustrated little puppet. Couldn’t keep my emotions under control, I lashed out at everything and everyone when I had the chance. To be honest, I was just in a bad mood 24/7. At the age of twenty-five, I started to evaluate myself, have been doing that every day (most of the time) since then. Almost ten years later, I am happy to say I am where I want to be in life. Every single department of my life is in “check.” But what do you do when you feel strong negative feelings towards someone?

But… there is someone whom I still allow to make me very, very, very angry. So many negative feelings associated with this person.

I usually don’t talk about personal stuff, but I think it’s time to change that. This particular person and I used to be very good friends, think the friendship started when I was thirteen or fourteen. He was one of my best friends! Knew stuff about me others didn’t, I also filled his head with my relationship problems. I don’t have that many girlfriends, I have two (since my stay in China, one more has been added to the list… my circle of friends is SMALL), and well… girls are different when it comes to ‘guy issues.’ Men give it to you straight!

Then something happened, and “something” being he grabbed my ass and didn’t let go, even though I clearly protested.

I ended our friendship a couple of months later. Eventually ended up unfriending and unfollowing him on all social media platforms. We’re not friends and we never will be friends again. I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t respect women, just a pig.

I have changed a lot, and I can’t stress enough how proud I am of myself. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. But… this guy… we are still in contact because of ‘business,’ but that’s soon coming to an end, thank heavens. Just thinking about him, reading his e-mails, it all brings out so much anger in me. ‘Anger’ isn’t the right word… the right word would be ‘disgust.’

I tried to be ‘zen,’ see if I could forgive and forget, but I haven’t been successful.

Not everyone serves a purpose in my life. I only want people around me who bring out the best in me, who show me they want to be part of my life and respect me. I allow this person to bring out the worst of the worst feelings in me. These negative feelings are so strong. The moment I have such feelings towards someone, such disgust, I just cut that person out of my life.

I don’t any drama, my circle is a bullshit free zone. Respect, honesty & love.

Especially with the sudden decline of my health, I really don’t want any negativity. Thankfully, I’ve been feeling much better, but I still can’t afford any stress. That’s also the reason I decided to cut one more person out of my life. Though the feelings I had for this person were real, I could not cope with the situation. It took away too much from my health. And a few days after I severed all contact, I had my health scare.

So… in conclusion… I’m happy I’ll never have to deal with my pig-of-an-ex-best-friend again. He serves no purpose and he disgusts me.