forgiveness

Forgiveness… that wasn’t in my vocabulary. I never was a forgiving person, if I felt someone did me wrong, they were on my Black List forever and ever until the end of time. PERSONA NON GRATA!For the past ten years, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching, getting in touch with myself, finding out who I am and what I want… One thing is for sure: I’m not that person anymore. A new phase is beginning for me and I will not enter it with baggage and negativity. Yours Truly is also very far from perfect and I accept that. All my flaws are lovingly embraced now. They make me who I am and I will not apologize for it.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

– John 8:7

Not verbatim, but you get the meaning. So! This new phase I mentioned earlier: I’m working on myself, both personal and spiritual growth are important to me. Evaluation of my life and relationships is an integral part of this growth. If something or someone doesn’t fit into the life I have created for myself now (which is free of drama and confusing communication, I have canceled my subscription to people’s bullshit and their issues), I don’t have a problem cutting the cord. It might take me some time to make that decision, but when I do, I know it’s the right thing for me. Don’t care what the other person thinks, I am the most important person in my life. For a very long time, I didn’t love myself at all, and now that I do… y’all who try to fuck me over and disrupt my life, you’ve been warned: I will delete you and block your energy (both figuratively and literally … sooner or later).

Forgiveness has been an essential part of me starting this new phase in my life.

Personal and spiritual growth are important to me, I can’t emphasize it enough. I have learned a lot about myself in the past couple of months. One of those things is that it is okay to let down my guard and be vulnerable… it just has to be with the right person. Always knew I had a lot of love in me, it was just buried deep for many years. Now it has resurfaced, it’s here to stay and I’m a happier and better version of myself. I am open to love, but with the right person.

But wait… what if I realize he’s not the right person for me?

If it’s not the right person for me (and vice versa)? Well, then maybe we can be friends… or maybe the person will choose to not waste his time investing in something that will go nowhere… or maybe the person can just fuck off (no hard feelings on my end). It all depends on the circumstances which of the three scenarios it will be. Another thing these past months have taught me: if a man approaches me with the intention of dating me, he better come correct or just stay away from me. I’m not taking any crap from anyone, not anymore.

In order for me to enter my next phase of personal and spiritual growth, I had to practice forgiveness.

I had to forgive many people. Wrote some emails over the weekend, most people were surprised. Can’t say I blame them, they probably weren’t expecting it. But you know what? I’m trying not to sweat petty shit anymore. Some of the stuff that happened definitely wasn’t small, but it has already happened. The past doesn’t exist anymore, only in memories. I choose to take the good ones with me.

Also had to forgive someone who really hurt me earlier this year. But in this situation, I really had to forgive myself.

I had to forgive myself for feeling stupid. But, to be honest, I also had to forgive myself for thinking that my vulnerability (and emotions) were a weakness. They’re not, they make me who I am. And guess what? I am grateful for this lesson. It was what I needed to grow. Without a doubt, I can say that I am NEVER going through that again, but all things happen for a reason. I can see the lesson behind it now.

Have I forgiven that person?

I have. They probably think I am the one who couldn’t recognize a good thing, but you know what? I really don’t care. It happened, I’ve learned from it and now I’m moving on. I feel absolutely no negativity when it comes to anyone, I’ve made my peace with the past. Like I said, I choose to take the good memories with me… but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the unpleasant ones. Does that mean we can be friends? Well, that’s a whole different story.

I feel forgiving someone doesn’t mean I have to try to be friends or maintain any type of contact with that person. Forgiveness is for me, for my personal and spiritual growth. Do you want to know what my mantra is? “Ashes to ashes, dust to baggage (and douchebags).”

Does this make me a cold-hearted bitch? LOL!

*Shrugs* Everyone has a different way of looking at things and I respect everyone’s opinion… but I don’t have to accept it. People will have their own idea of your character, one way or another. It is what it is.

Where am I focusing my attention right now? I have some things keeping me busy and I am pretty excited about them! One is coming up pretty soon, will do some volunteer work! I am ecstatic about this, it’s been on my list for A LONG TIME! Can’t wait to continue this new phase I’ve just started.