365 Days has taken Netflix by storm! I ‘quit’ social media in 2019 (it just means I deactivated my Instagram, cannot remember my Twitter password, and I use Facebook sporadically), so I was late to the party. Though I stay away from social media, I do check my Facebook messages from time to time. That is when I took a look at my timeline. Everyone and their mama were talking about 365 Days. Now, the moment I heard it was a Fifty Shades Of
SHIT Grey fanfiction, I KNEW it was SHIT!
And with SHIT I mean … SHIT! I knew the plot would be something along the lines of: ‘Young woman falls in love with tall, dark, and handsome millionaire who owns half of the world, treats her like his property and threatens physical violence if she ‘disobeys’ (VOMIT!), and they have some kinky sex that makes most women moist. The harebrained woman likes the controlling douchebag, he changes for her and becomes the man she needs, and they live happily ever after. THE END!’
After watching the movie, 365 Days makes Fifty Shades look like an Oscar-worthy flick. Seriously.
Okay, in case you do not know, Fifty Shades is Twilight fanfiction. E.L. James was a huge Edward and Bella fan, so she wrote her own story about them. In Twilight it takes 2000-something pages before they actually sleep together, so E.L. James decided she would speed it up… and add some BDSM to it, LOL! The Twilight author, Stephenie Meyer, sent a cease and desist because E.L. James used the names Edward Cullen and Bella Swan in her Twilight BDSM fanfic. Then she changed the names to Christian Grey and Anna Who-Gives-A-Fuck.
SO! 365 Days! Everyone was talking about it, I was curious about the sex scenes, and guess what? I watched it!
The movie is about a Polish businesswoman, Laura, and an Italian mafia boss, Massimo. In the opening scene, Massimo is spying on someone via binoculars, and who is it? Laura. Massimo his father, mafia boss senior, gets shot in front of him and the bullet also pierces Massimo. While he is on the ground, clinging to life, Laura her face is the only thing he sees.
He recovers and spends some time looking for her. Finally, he sees her at an airport in Italy. What does he do then? Massimo drops everything he is doing and follows her to her hotel.
Are you wondering why the Polish Laura was at an Italian airport?
Well, Laura turned … older than she was before, not sure do not care how old, and they went to Italy to celebrate. ‘They’ meaning Laura, her
fat and ugly cheater boyfriend, and her best friend.
I am serious, her boyfriend is some ugly fat fuck who cheats on her, and the millionaire who kidnaps her, Massimo, is hot as hell!!!! That is unfair. Why is her boyfriend an ugly fuckass, and the real psycho in the movie is hot? Okay, I will give them that: Massimo is YUMMMYYYY! Laura is not too bad herself! Beautiful actors. But the movie… it is cringetertainment.
They are in some hotel in Italy, Laura her ugly boyfriend makes a fool of himself by trying to sing HBD in Italian. Laura suddenly has to pee and walks down a very deserted path to the bathroom. It just screams ‘The Killer is around the corner,’ if you ask me. As if Laura heard me screaming ‘Turn around, STOOPIT!’ through the TV, she stops in her tracks and turns around. GUESS WHO IS THERE!!!
Seriously? ‘Are you lost, Babygirl?” Is THAT what you say to a woman you have been looking for for FOREVER? If I were Laura, I would be, like… ‘No, no, no, no… just… no!’
That is THE WORST pickup line I have ever heard. Well, in this case, it is more of a KIDNAP LINE, because he ends up kidnapping her after her ugly boyfriend did not want to spend the day with her and she goes out alone.
He takes her to his castle (yeah, a castle…) and she wakes up from the tranquilizer they gave her. What does she see on the wall? A gigantic painting of herself in a kidnapper his house! CREEEEEEPPPPPPPPPYYY!!!! Then… he says it again…
*SiGh… then stick my finger down my throat to force myself to puke*
Every memorable character in a book/movie has their own catchphrase. That is what the author was going for, but she missssedddd the mark.
Like, how everyone says the, ‘Say HELLO to my little friend’ from Scarface. Come to think of it, what Tony Montana does with that weapon when he says this line, is what I want to do to Massimo every single time he says his annoying ‘catchphrase.’ Another good one is the ‘Sleeping with the fishes’ and the ‘Make him an offer he can’t refuse’ from The Godfather.
Now back to the shitty movie… sigh… Massimo explains who he is and how he knows who she is, shows her photos of Cheating Fat Boyfriend, tells her he will give her 365 days to fall in love with him. If she does not love him by then, he will let her go. How cremantic (creepy-romanitc). As if the photos of the cheater should reassure her that Massimo is a better man, for he would not cheat if he had her… But he WILL kidnap her and keep her hostage for 365 days. If that does not say LOVE, then I do not know what does.
Okay… Massimo says he will not touch her without her permission, but he sticks his hands down her pants on an airplane and fondles her privates. Sigh…
I am all for female empowerment, but my head hurts writing this. Writing a book is a big thing and a huge accomplishment. THAT I applaud the author for. Many of us want to do that, but some never do. So kudos to her for finishing the series, even if it is shitty.
It is time to end this post, I do not want to go through the whole movie. But this scene reminded me of Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, one of my FAVORITE videogames. Why? Just watch!
When I saw him grabbing her by the neck like that, I was just waiting for the MK voice to say, ‘FINISH HER!’ That is some serious neck action, folks. And can he STOP with the fucking BABYGIRL already? He told her that he is used to taking whatever he wants by force, and she is keeping the one thing he wants from him (and tempting him)… her va-jay-jay.
People… in this scene, Lord Fuckwad here just threatened to RAPE her! This movie is a piece of shit… seriously! It is funny as fuck that they made a movie out of this trash, but it is still shit for promoting dysfunctional love and making it HOT because he is an attractive (psycho!!!) millionaire.
I find it so sad so many women think this movie is THE SHIT! It is a piece of shit, that is what it is.
To all the young women out there: DO NOT drink the 365 Days and Fifty Shades of SHIT kool-aid. Dysfunctional relationships with men who have more fucking issues than Vogue are not “hashtag: relationship goals.” Neither Massimo nor Christian Grey is my idea of an alpha male, more an alpha douche(bag).
Alrighty, I am going to wrap it up… Other parts of the movie that were too funny to even hate:
The way she eats ice cream to tease Massimo. It looks like sperm around her lips, so… yeah…
Massimo tied Laura to the bed in a room (with a giant painting of himself on the wall stroking a lion… BARF!), then decides he will not have sex with her. Oh, no! He thinks he will make her drool by watching some other woman giving him a blowjob. Lord Fuckwad said, ‘I will show you what you have been missing.’ But it was so BOOOORRRING! I thought he was going to give it to her good until she went all fucking nam-hyoho-renge-kyo-wake-up-with-amnesia-and-walking-funny-the-next-day! But all it was, was A BLOWJOB??? Seriously? Whatttt the freaakkk could Laura be missing? A blowjob gives you lockjaw! … FYI… 🙂
Sigh… If I could have asked the writer one question during that blowjob scene, it would be… ‘REALLY, Bitch? That’s it?’
AND NOWWWWW... the moment you have been waiting for!!! The scene where they finally do it!
I do not want to talk about the shitty reason she decided to sleep with him, but they did it. It was THE longest sex scene
fucktage I have seen. They went from the bed to the roof, to some other place on the boat, to every fucking corner of that boat. That must have taken hours! Was it any good?
Eeehhhh… There were some parts during that long fucktage where I thought, ‘Alright now, Massimo, I see you! You GO, Massimo!’ But other than that… *shrug*
How many stars? I will give the writer one star, because she finished the books and is now making tons of money with her ‘creativity.’ Kudos.