I created this blog to keep my family and friends updated about my life in China, but sometimes I have some things I need to get off my chest. Recently I’ve been writing more and more about some other issues that are on my mind, which I think helps me a lot. We all have shit we deal with in life, as do I. Day by day, I’m learning more and more about myself, which means I’m also learning more about the people around me. Sometimes we’ve been around someone all of our lives, but at some point in our lives, we find out that we never really knew their true character. Can we really say we know someone like the back of our hand? Who is the person we know best in life?
Why do I think we will never really know someone’s true character? Well, because people have secrets. I should know, I keep journals. There’s stuff about me I haven’t told anyone, and I don’t plan to. Keeping some part of yourself just to yourself is important. It’s what keeps the mystery going. If I wanted to tell someone EVERYTHING about myself, I would have done that already. Even though I’m an open book, what you get is what you see, I still have my little secrets. My thoughts and emotions that I don’t share with others. Why? Though I pride myself on having fairly thick skin, I don’t want to be judged. We all fear judgment, whether we admit it or not. But, I also think” the less people know about you, the better. People know what I want them to know.
After some eye-opening experiences with people close to me, I realized that the person I know best is ME, MYSELF & I.
We all have our secrets. Some are the equivalent of white lies, some are just jaw-dropping-what-the-name-of-all-that-is-normal-and-sane kind of secrets. They’re the what-the-fuck kind of secrets, the ones you never expect from someone you think you know best. The past couple of months have rattled me to the core, and I’m still not sure what to do with my feelings. Still not sure what to think. Sometimes shit happens, and that shit is really bad. At one point I thought, “Why am I the one having sleepless nights over what happened when the perp is pretending like nothing happened?” THAT is what’s really scary!
To get to know myself, I spent a lot of time alone. A few years ago, I couldn’t stand to be alone with myself. But now, I’m my most favorite person in the world.
I got to know myself and I have to tell you, I didn’t always like what I discovered about myself. Being able to be honest with yourself is one of the hardest things in life. The more I get to know myself, the more I know more about human nature. You can only really understand someone when you know yourself. That’s where it all begins. I noticed that many people are living a big fat lie. They present themselves one way to the world, but behind closed doors, they’re a totally different person. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know what I now know about certain people, for I don’t know what to think of them now. But… maybe I’m overthinking it, and it’s not about me, but about them. But how can one live a lie, day in day out? When do you know where the lie ends? What’s the truth? It’s so confusing.
I know this post won’t make any sense to you, for I’m just rambling. But… I wish I could understand certain things, that’s all.
Life is an open road filled with choices. Just because there are many streets and alleys connecting to the highway of your life, doesn’t mean we should travel all of them. Some roads lead to dead ends, some have heavy traffic, and some are filled with potholes. All of them allow us to experience something new, but not all experiences are pleasant. Again, all of these things form us and teach us new lessons. They give us the necessary tools to go to the next phase of our life. Life is about choices… and sometimes… I just want to say, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” to some people. But I know I can’t judge, and I’m trying my best not to be judgmental. I’ve done things I’m proud of, as well.
The thing that worries me the most is… when people get too comfortable living a lie, when and how will they deal when they get a real dose of reality?
This is just me thinking out loud, nothing more. Don’t worry if you can’t follow, it’s fine. I just wanted to rant a little.